Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
