I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
