I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
