Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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