Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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