The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
