well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he puts the penis in happiness.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
