BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
