I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
