I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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