I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
