Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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