Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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