I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
