i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
