thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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