well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
