So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
