I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Houston, we have a blender
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
