im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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