you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
