Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
