Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
