Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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