What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
