its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
