I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
