I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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