ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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