I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
