Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
