I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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