I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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