So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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