Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
