Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
