you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
