he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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