New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
