i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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