There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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