my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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