There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i may or may not be watching the land before time
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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