her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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