God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
