is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
