When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
