She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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