If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
