I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
